Raped when she was 17, rocker Tracy Dawn spent years running from her pain. But she finally found hope and healing in a loving savior.
Tracy Dawn screamed and tried to fight off her attacker. But the guy was too strong, too determined.
At 17, during the summer of her senior year, she was raped.
Christian rock artist Tracy Dawn Klaiber—who goes by Tracy Dawn—can't exactly remember how they'd met. Maybe it was at a football game the previous fall. She's not sure. But she'd seen him here and there a few times. There seemed to be a mutual attraction. And it was cool that an "older guy"—21 years old, to be exact—was interested in her.
So one day in late summer, she drove over to his condo in a neighboring town. The plan was to take in a movie or maybe go out for a nice dinner. But the guy had different plans.
After the rape, she shook uncontrollably and her screams-turned-to-shrieks became unbearable to her rapist. He decided to leave her there, alone in his condo.
With her attacker gone, the girl's pain and fear spiraled into rage. She felt like she'd explode. Then she spied a collection of empty bottles. She grabbed one, smashed it. Then another. And another. She smashed every single bottle, leaving the apartment trashed with shards of shattered glass.
She got back in her car and started driving. She stopped somewhere, changed into the jogging outfit she kept in her trunk, and ran. She ran long and hard. She ran until sweat soaked her clothes and exhaustion drained her of any remaining energy. Yet as hard as she tried, she could not run away from the fact that she'd just been raped.
Tracy Dawn is now able to talk openly about the horrible attack. The singer/songwriter even wrote a song about it for her debut CD Poetic Aftermath (Atlantic), a rock album packed with gritty testimonials about the life-changing power of God. But when the rape took place, and for several years afterward, she kept her secret buried deep down inside.
"I was a virgin when I was raped," she explains. "I didn't know anything about sex. I really didn't understand what had happened. I just knew I was in pain. …
"I was afraid to talk to anybody about it. I thought I'd be blamed for what happened. I figured I was so stupid to trust him. I should have known better. I should have seen it coming."
So Tracy Dawn decided to pretend like the rape never took place. She now realizes she should have gone to the police. She should have told somebody. But she didn't. She simply tried to hide her pain by throwing herself into her role as head cheerleader and lead soloist of many high school choral productions.
But her performances at sporting events and music programs were simply that—performances. She couldn't perform away the bitterness and anger that festered inside. Her self-worth wasted away, as did her faith in God. While she'd grown up in a Christian home and made a profession of faith at age 5, she decided God had abandoned her. So why not abandon him?
"I'd gotten coldhearted," she says. "Not long after the rape, I said that's it. I don't care about any of this Christian or church stuff anymore. This is meaningless. I only kept going to church because my parentsmade me."
As she turned away from her faith, she turned toward friends who introduced her to alcohol and marijuana. She tried to drink and smoke away the pain that overwhelmed her.
Amid all of this pain, or maybe because of it, she dreamed big about her future. She fantasized about becoming a model and actress. But more than modeling and acting, she longed to fulfill her dream to become a professional singer and songwriter.
So after high school graduation, 18-year-old Tracy Dawn left home and moved to Los Angeles to pursue her dreams. Sure, her dreams were far-fetched. What were the odds of a naive high school grad from smalltown Kansas—completely on her own with no training or experience—breaking into the entertainment world? Maybe this happens in made-for-TV movies. But not in reality.
But she was determined, hard working, focused. Obviously, she was motivated by more than career goals. If she kept busy enough, if she crammed enough things into her life, she'd bury a past nightmare.
"I just never let myself think about the rape," she says.
After a couple years of struggling to make ends meet, she started landing some jobs. There were commercials for Miller Lite, McDonald's, Coke and MCI. There was a modeling gig with Calvin Klein. And with a prominent part as a waitress in the Guns N' Roses video, "November Rain," she found herself on MTV. As for her music career, she'd become a member of a band and was playing some of the better L.A. clubs.
She'd also gotten into the L.A. drug and party scene.
"I'd go with groups of friends to illegal underground parties—raves," she says. "We'd take ecstasy, smoke marijuana, and drink all night long. … Balloons filled with nitrous oxide [laughing gas] were passed around. I became a big nitrous user.
"There were times I'd pass out at these parties. I'd wake up on the ground with someone slapping me in the face to wake me up."
Even with the heavy drug use, Tracy Dawn and her bandmates were looking for something more—a better high. As for Tracy Dawn, she was also looking for a better way to wipe out bad memories. That's when she and the rest of the band started studying sorcery books. Following the instructions in the books, they combined occult rituals with hallucinogenic drugs.
As the sorcery books promised, the spiritual world began to invade her dreams, where she experienced bizarre and frightening visions of satanic activity.
One dream scared her more than any other. "I saw a demon floating above my bed," she says. "I couldn't wake up and get away from the demon."
Then suddenly, while still dreaming, she remembered something her grandmother had told her many years ago.
"When I was real little," says Tracy Dawn, "Grandma told me that if I ever felt like the Devil was attacking me, I could say, 'In the name of Jesus, leave me!' I yelled it out in the dream, and the demon disappeared."
Then she remembers seeing someone she believes represented Jesus. It was then that an inexplicable calmness and peace came over her.
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